Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
is it earth
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.