I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.