Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Ape together strong
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it