Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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i think we should see other cousins
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy