The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’