ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”