“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*