gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*