Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!