Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question