If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Mhm.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.