HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
August 8
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]