I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
best review i’ve ever seen
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
you have three unread messages
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk