M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.