I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.