One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Self-cleaning conscience
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”