“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you