I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Spotted in New Orleans.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.