There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.