Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.