If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.