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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!