Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there