Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I have never related to a cat more
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..