I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats