Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
me doing my best
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”