Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years