oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Care for your back
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone