So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”