[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
You Might Also Like
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.