Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Not recommended for beginners.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.