dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Kids: Stay in school.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
The biggest mystery of our time
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.