Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.