[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.