If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.