[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’M CRYINGGG
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*