I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
also my go-to takeaway order
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Shower sex be like:
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust