[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Well, that didn’t work.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Dishonest mechanic?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
ibopfufen
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes