Born to be mild.
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair