Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle