studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.