there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
what kind of cook setting is this??
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…