I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
then why did i get this email
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
my one true gender
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.