Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
when the buffet is more honest than your date
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital