Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Taking phone security to the next level.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.