ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
😬
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here