When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Sign at work today
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.