Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You Might Also Like
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.