To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?