i can’t wait that long
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*